Archive for March, 2015
I spent a good portion of this past weekend by myself. Yep.
Me. Myself. And I.
While I can’t really admit that it was entirely by choice, I tried to make the most of it and accept it for what it was. For the most part, when I stopped worrying about being alone, I had a great time.
On Saturday, I went to a show at The Fillmore in Silver Spring. I saw Mat Kearney there, who I had actually only discovered on Pandora about 5 months ago. Something about his music pulled me in and if you’re ever looking for a new artist to check out – he gets my top marks. In fact, it was easily one of the very best shows I’ve seen in the last 2 years.
He’s innovative, his music is upbeat, and he knows how to work a disco ball! I was so impressed, I went home and downloaded 3 of his albums. I love his old stuff, just as much as I dig his new album JUST KIDS. To me, his style is this fun mix of 2000’s pop rock with Michael Franti vibes with a little bit of Eminem white guy style rapping if Eminem was super relaxed and inspirational. I don’t know, listen for yourself…it honestly puts me in a better mood every time I plug in.
In fact, when I set out for my run on Sunday, I put on Mat Kearney and I crushed 8 miles!
I know that might not sound like a big deal to all my running buddies, but I haven’t run 8 miles since before my knee surgery nearly 3 years ago. I’d only run 6 and that was with significant knee pain. I’ve been working up to 6 miles the past 3 months and Sunday, I decided that if I could run 6, I could run 8! So I did. I’d really like to go back to my orthopedic surgeon and tell him to suck it, since he very clearly told me I was no spring chicken and wouldn’t likely be running distance again. Not only did I run 8 miles, but I did it in under a 10 minute mile!
After all that fun, I felt on top of the world. I felt like me. I felt healthy. I felt strong. So what did I do? I booked a fun vacation with my best friend, Sandra. We’re headed to Cancun for 4 days in June! I absolutely can’t wait to lay on a beach and sip on all the free drinks in the land 🙂
So yeah – this weekend, I did exactly what I wanted to do. Even though I still 100% struggle with being alone, I guess the best any of us can do is make the best of it all. I just wish I didn’t care and I knew how to really let go.
At the recommendation of a friend, I’ve been reading Tiny Beautiful Things, the Dear Sugar compilation, by Cheryl Strayed (the same author as Wild).
While all the letters and responses she shares are vastly different, there is one underlying theme (at least in my opinion)…loving yourself. Whether you’re learning to appreciate who you are, pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps, believing you’re worth it, etc. – the single message that shines through is that we’re all somebody.
In one letter, a man who is disfigured from a disease, writes that he feels ugly and worries he’ll never experience true love. He even asks Sugar if he should give up. She writes to him that we are all here to do the best we can “and every last one of us can do better than give up.”
I loved these words especially since the man described his outward appearance as I sometimes feel about my insides: ugly and scarred. And the more I thought about it, the angrier I got about my dating experiences, those in the far distant past and even those more recent. I’ve learned in the past 2 years that I struggle with trust, immensely. I still default to trusting people implicitly, but now instead of being potentially blindsided, I move quickly from trust to distrust.
And to be honest, it really pisses me off. I hate that I don’t trust people anymore because it’s so cliche. Women being distrustful of men. It’s every Lifetime movie. It’s every advice column topic. It’s just terribly cliche. The more I think about my actions and the crazy I feel deep inside boils my blood. Primarily, because I didn’t get here by myself. I didn’t wake up one day and say to myself, men are lying pigs. No. I had a lot of help.
And I hate it. I hate that I’m that stereotypical crazy woman at times, even if I’ve successfully hidden it from a guy, I feel it on the inside. I hate how it tears me up. How I feed into and sacrifice who I am. I hate even more that I seem to be the one who feels it all, when I wasn’t the one who misstepped. It feels like I’m punished for my trust and for opening myself up; whereas, counterparts have been rewarded for their indiscretions. I know many people probably feel that way, but a lot of my friends are quick to admit that I’ve had a rough go at dating and at finding love. But it seems there is no solution or real advice other than don’t give up. Take my time in between the pain, but don’t give up.
And so I don’t. But I’m tired and I want to trust all people again. I want that crazy, stupid love where you’re caught smiling for no reason. I want butterflies. I want to trust, truly. To share who I am at the deepest level and for that other person to really care. I want my heart to burn like a wildfire and I want to be wanted.
But a lot of days, it feels so impossibly hard. To trust. To love. To even believe it’s out there, just waiting for me. </3
Um, my bad. It’s been almost 2 months since I posted. I don’t even know where the time has gone or why I didn’t post. No excuses, so let’s just get back on track and do a little rewind of the past 2 months while I’m enjoying a snow day here in Virginia. You know I love a countdown!
4 Must-Know Updates
4. BUCKET LIST CONCERT
Just this week, I went to see Bush in concert. A band I’ve wanted to see since 1996. Only took 19 years! I missed them when they toured in 2010 and I told myself if they ever came around again, I’d be there.
They didn’t disappoint, but like a lot of older bands, I wanted them nix the new stuff and play my classic favorites.
That fat puss is alive and well and still makes me smile every single day. Seriously, why did I wait so long to have a furry friend?
2. LOCAL CELEBRITIES
No bigs or anything, but I met Sarah Fraser from 107.3. I’ve been a fan of hers since she was on that other radio station. She also told me she loved my outfit. It was a jumpsuit, so of course she did!
1. AUSTIN, TX
I knocked off one of four travel destinations in February when I visited Austin, TX. While I had originally planned to go by myself, true to form, friends came out of the woodwork – 1 old travel buddy and 1 colleague. I had an OK time – 6 out of 10. I give it that rating mostly because I was pretty sick and just didn’t have the energy to do all I wanted. I was also surprised by the lack of activities you could do without a car. But here were some of my favorite snaps from the trip. I think I’d definitely go back, but I’d like to go for ACL or SXSW – obvs.