Archive for March, 2014
On Sunday, I nearly slipped into what felt like a full blown panic attack. I was on the verge of tears and I felt shaky. Why? Look at that little counter to the right. In 15 days I’ll be 30 and nothing is how
it should be I thought it would be.
2014 hasn’t had the most brilliant start. Yes, there have been some fun moments, but for the most part I feel like I’m floating along…waiting for my life to start. My 2014 goals loom over me and I feel like I’m failing every day that I can’t cross something off, but it’s certainly not for lack of trying! Last week alone I applied for 20 jobs. TWENTY JOBS! And nada.
I did have a phone interview on Friday which I flubbed and which I will call it a lesson learned. And I do have an interview with a marketing agency that places mid/senior level professionals – so it’s something, but I’m honestly exhausted. I’m tired of waiting for it to be my time.
My time. I use that phrase quite liberally when talking about my future as it keeps popping up for me. Friends, family, horoscopes, even palm readers have said – your time is coming. Yes, I’m silly and take those things to heart so maybe that’s why my level of frustration is through the roof. I’m riding on 6 months of being unsettled, which includes my 2 month hiatus to Asia. That’s a long time to be in fight/flight mode.
I was honestly going to make this entire blog a woe is me post and ask for advice, but yesterday, 2 things happened:
- A very good friend pointed out that I’m not very kind to myself. I place impossible standards and harsh restrictions on myself because I think I’m not good enough.
- I started reading The War of Art by Steven Pressfield and learned about “resistance”.
In both these moments, I learned a lot. First, I learned that I over-correct for past events and don’t trust myself to make good decisions anymore. I take full responsibility for things that happen, even when they aren’t my fault. I’m unable to see that sometimes things happen as a matter of circumstance and it’s NOT a reflection of who I am. I don’t extend the same courtesy and leniency to myself, that I extend to others. I’m simply not kind to my soul.
Because of all that, I’m constantly battling who I am and where I am in my life. Not that I compare myself to others, but rather I compare myself to my ideal. I know I’m an over-achiever. I’m a list maker at heart and a goal oriented person.
A friend recommended Pressfield’s book for the simple fact that maybe I was the one standing in the way of my own success. Perhaps it was my fear fueling the resistance. I finished the first 3rd of the book yesterday (it’s not very long) and here were the big takeaways:
Resistance is not a peripheral opponent. Resistance arises from within. It is self-generated and self-perpetuated. Resistance is the enemy within.
Never forget: This very moment, we can change our lives. There never was a moment, and never will be, when we are without the power to alter our destiny. This second, we can turn the tables on Resistance.
We know what the clan is; we know how to fit into the band and the tribe. What we don’t know is how to be alone. We don’t know how to be free individuals.
So what does that have to do with me turning 30 and potential panic attacks? Just that I have to keep fighting the good fight. Fight resistance in thinking that my life won’t get better, that things won’t change. Things will change – there is no other option. I will be someone and I will be kinder to myself.
Last September, one of my good friends moved to Boston. I was happy for her because she was starting a new chapter in her life, but also sad as she was my hiking buddy and she took her pup, Sophie with her. Rude.
But last weekend, I went to visit said friend, Sophie, and do a little Paddy’s Day celebrating in Southie like a local. This visit also meant I could cuddle with Sophie!
I was actually really excited for the change in city and the change in pace as compared to my previous weekend shenanigans. Instead of being a lush, we were outdoorsy and did several hikes in the North Boston area.
There was still plenty of snow on the ground, but it was manageable. It was also good training for my knee. I’m finally comfortable enough to get out there and do more rigorous activities…and not a moment too soon! But of course after every hike, there was always a bit of cuddle time. Sophie really has mastered the selfie…
After 2 relaxed days of hiking, nomming, and catching up we headed to South Boston on Sunday for the St. Patrick’s Day parade and to hang out with some of her friends. Her friends had a townhouse right on the parade route – talk about an amazing view! Nothing beats a good Sunday session!
It only took me 2 days into this week to feel rested and back to normal, but it was worth every minute. Tiny hats ftw!
This past weekend I was fortunate to celebrate a friend in love. I know a lot of relationships out there seem perfect and a lot have their ups and downs; but some just teach you the true meaning of love, and that if it’s worth it…you fight for it. And that’s exactly what Jenna and her boo, have taught me through the years. Needless to say, I was more than excited to take part in her bachelorette and bridal shower weekend!
The bridal shower was the usual sort of affair – cheese, wine, crackers, gifts. The bachelorette party on the other hand, had a nice twist to the usual night out on the town. Her bridesmaids decided to take advantage of the wineries in Northern Virginia and a limo bus service that runs from the metro to really celebrate Jenna’s one last fling as a single lady.
We started at Hiddencroft Vineyards with a tasting, followed by a food spread in an upstairs room with a few bottles of the wine we had just tasted. Here’s myself and Jenna, before things got messy 🙂
Next, we headed up the winding roads of Loudon County to The Barns at Hamilton Station Vineyards. By this time, the sun was out and it actually felt like Spring so naturally, we were outdoorsy and drank our wine on the patio. Here’s the whole group:
By this point, we were all a few bottles deep and having a fantastic time. A few of us even walked down to the lake (that was still frozen on top) and checked out the vineyards. By the end of that adventure, this was the current state of affairs for yours truly…
I love this picture – is that vain to admit? I don’t love it because I love my Mindy Kaling inspired outfit, I love it because lately, I feel like I struggle with allowing people to see the real me. Mostly out of fear that they won’t like what they see, but you don’t have to look closely to see that I felt comfortable in my own skin again. This is me. This is who I am.
Congrats again, Jenna Penna and thanks for showing me that love is still alive and well in the DMV!