Life: Muchness

When you’re not sure how you’re going to feel when you wake up, I think the weekends are the hardest. What used to be the best time of the week is now a giant void and you’re left wondering how you’re going to fill the day, not just with activities, but with happiness.

This past weekend, I did manage to fill that giant void and I made it to Monday, but not without the help of friends. Saturday and Sunday were mostly spent creating a blank slate. Not a metaphorical slate, but rather a physical one…in my room, as I painted my once cozy walls back to white (part of the move-out prep). One of my friends offered to help and while I would normally not ask for help, I knew I couldn’t bear to stare at white walls by myself. Not this weekend, anyways. And what was once a daunting task, quickly turned into a bit of refreshing fun with a friend.

It’s not really important that I tell you about painting the walls, but rather that the friend who came over to help is the same friend that told me ‘Not to worry, you’ll find your muchness again.’ I didn’t really know what she meant until she said it was from the 2010 version of Alice in Wonderland. This scene, particularly:

It wasn’t that I’d been without my muchness for the past 3 years, but rather I lost it last week. I have changed inside and there is something missing, but I know I’ll find it again. Hopefully sooner, rather than later.

On Sunday, I asked my friend how she found her muchness again and she simply said, ‘By surrounding myself with friends and family and doing all the things that were really important to me.’

It made sense, but I struggled because I had been doing all the things that were really important. If anything, this was one of my first relationships where I felt like I was truly myself. But maybe my version of finding my muchness isn’t about doing the important things, but rather going back and doing all the things I compromised along the way in my last chapter.

So I’m making a list, of where I might want to take myself. Crossing off all those to-dos I keep on my DC list and starting to think about my next chapter because I’m really proud that I can finally tell you I’m not scared in the sense that I’m sad. I’m the right amount of scared that goes along with a sense of adventure and excitement. Not knowing where I’ll end up, but very aware that I have a lot of dreams to explore and friends to back me up along the way.

So on this particular Monday, I’m going to remember 2 things:

1. Never let my fear decide my fate

2. I will find my muchness again, even if I have to travel around the world.

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