Life: Speechless

Sometimes change happens so fast, it leaves you speechless…and there are no real words for heartbreak. So I’ll just have to quote The Newsroom right now, because it’s the only thing that makes sense.

The greater fool is someone with the perfect blend of self-delusion and ego to think that he can succeed where others have failed.

I know all the routine words and phrases you say when couples break up. I’ve seen it happen enough times that I’m a pro too. You’ll get through this. You’ll be stronger. Now you can heal. Now you can move on. Focus on you. Work through each day, make a list. And of course something about  finding your real Prince Charming.

But the only words I want to hear are from him to say, I love you, which isn’t an option.

I find that I keep saying, ‘I’m scared’ which is ironic since this year has been about not letting fear define me. Maybe I’ve been a fraud all this time, only strong and fearless because I had a safety net, someone to talk to every day, someone that loved me no matter what. Except now I find that I’m incredibly alone and terrified of every day when I wake up.

But I have no other option than to keep trying. Breathing and waking up every day. Distracting myself with work. Trying to eat more than just cereal or crackers for every meal. Moving forward and focusing on Asia, which in truth, was impeccably timed (without me knowing any better).

An old friend said to me yesterday, “For some reason, the chapters in your life have hard stops. They don’t easily flow and it’s the starting over that makes this hard. Harder than it should be. You’ve had to do it so many times, it’s just not fair.”

And she’s right, it’s like pulling the emergency hand brake and being thrown off your life path. Or maybe back onto your life path. Maybe this is fate’s way of saying, ‘You haven’t done all you’re meant to do. Go back and do what you always promised yourself.’

But right now, I have to focus on today. And tomorrow, I will focus on that day. And maybe I’ll make it to the end of the week and have truly convinced myself that I will be OK. Because I have to believe it to get to a point where smiling doesn’t feel like a job and being happy is something real and not just a lost fantasy.

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5 Comments»

  crankypants wrote @

Oh god Maggie, I am so sorry. What a shock. Just let yourself feel all the shitty emotions you have to feel, otherwise it will bubble up later when you least expect it. Your trip will be something great for you to focus on when the time comes and when it rolls around you will be even more excited to start that next chapter of your life with such an amazing experience.
But for now. *hugs* I only ever imagine you with a big smile on your face.

  zigzagmags wrote @

thanks cranky, those hugs are definitely appreciated. i hope i get that smile back sooner rather than later.

  2013 Goals: Check in | zigzagmags wrote @

[…] you’re busy making plans. So while I was lining things up to experience, life happened…in a big way. The best any of us can do is to find our feet again and to keep on walking, because life […]

  bookmole wrote @

Aw, Maggie. So sorry to read this. Hugs.

  zigzagmags wrote @

thanks bookmole. still have that really crappy feeling about it all, but just trying to pick myself up and keep on truckin’. thanks a million for the hugs, very appreciated!


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