Regretfully

A lot of people define life’s regrets as ‘could of, should of, would of’. But what about ‘shouldn’t have’?

Last night, at 3:30AM, I was startled from a dream that felt so real it seemed more like a premonition and it kept me awake for the rest of the morning as I laid there thinking…

‘Maybe I shouldn’t have said [blank] to [blank] 6 years ago’

Maybe it’s that time of the year with resolutions flying about that everyone feels the need to start over or maybe somewhere deep in my soul, I really do regret past actions, but why are they popping up now? And how do I deal?

The worst part about my regrettable feelings are that a.) I still think they were justified in the situation and b.) knowing that I had hurt someone else, I apologized 2 years ago for my actions for the simple fact that sometimes it’s better to make amends than to be right.

Is my conscious creeping up on me because I still think I was right? Maybe so, but in my defense and to give you more context I was working for an acquaintance’s parents and after hours (20+) of design and writing work had been completed – they simply rendered my help unwanted without compensation. Old Mags would have let it be, would have allowed someone to walk all over me. But new Mags, just coming into her adulthood, didn’t let it be and I wrote a letter to the parents telling them I felt their actions were rude and disrespectful. The acquaintance let me know that they were ‘disappointed in me’ and that I wasn’t the same.

I let it all go, determined to wipe it from my slate, but in the end he was right. I wasn’t the same. I was growing up and trying to become a strong, independent professional. But all of this still haunted me and apparently still haunts me as this acquaintance was friends with some of my friends and I feared he would spoil my relationship with them.

I know I shouldn’t obsess about what people think and if someone generates an opinion of me based on anything but my character, then they probably aren’t worth my time. But I do obsess and I do fear. What if all my friends from that point in my life are lost because of one action in an effort to defend myself…to not be taken advantage of?

It’s times like these I wish ‘I’m sorry’ was worth a little more.

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